List Day: Ten Rejected Wedding Ideas

1) Save-the-Date announcements will take the form of one hundred individually tattooed gerbils, boxed and delivered by First Class Mail. We take no responsibility for the (permanent) settling which may occur in boxes delivered to a destination more than two days away.

2) Invitations will be printed on 100% recycled post-consumer content, taken directly from the nearest Loudoun County septic tank.

3) We will be registered at Popeyes, BMW of Fairfax, Long & Foster Realtors - Fiji Listings, and your attic. You may also make a donation in our name to the decaying urban jungle that is Detroit, Michigan.

4) Ceremony music will be provided by an antiphonal brass choir, pitting Blue Ribbon Brass on stage left against Quantum Brass on stage right. Musicians will be paid in advance of the ceremony with an all-you-can-drink tour of the winery.

5) The theme of the reception will be "Pimps and Ho's". Guests should dress accordingly.

6) Wedding favours will be miniature statues of the couple, painstakingly carved from a lifetime of collected toe cheese (for that personal touch) and shellacked for permanence.

7) The reception will be catered by US Airways.

8) Instead of the Chicken Dance or the Electric Slide, the entire ensemble will be invited to participate in a choreographed routine to Prokofiev's Dance of the Knights.

9) Upon exiting the reception, the couple will run a gantlet of wedding guests armed with paintball guns (because rice is environmentally unsound).

10) Everyone is strongly encouraged to accompany us on the honeymoon.

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