The Oscars, Part V of VI

The Nominees:

• Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
  Ben Kingsley in House of Sand and Fog
  Jude Law in Cold Mountain
• Bill Murray in Lost in Translation
  Sean Penn in Mystic River
  
  What will happen?
  Johnny Depp modelled his pirate character off of Pepe Le Pew and Keith Richards. Still, a "kid's" movie won't be eligible for an Actor Oscar. Jude Law consistently looks like a creepy Justin Theroux, and I don't know if anyone takes Sean Penn seriously anymore, despite his talents. The Oscar will go to Gandhi in House of Sand and Fog.

The Nominees:
Alec Baldwin in The Cooler
Benicio Del Toro in 21 Grams
Djimon Hounsou in In America
Tim Robbins in Mystic River
Ken Watanabe in The Last Samurai

What will happen?
Ken Watanabe sounds like a leftover from one of the Star Wars movies. Benicio del Toro's face always looks like it was mangled in a freak lawn-mowing accident (in fact, his name translates roughly as "Benicio was hit by a Toro"). Tim Robbins and Alec Baldwin kind of run together, so Djimon Hounsou will get the Oscar, because he appeared on an episode of Alias as Kazari Bomani.

The Nominees:
Keisha Castle-Hughes in Whale Rider
Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give
Samantha Morton in In America
Charlize Theron in Monster
Naomi Watts in 21 Grams

What will happen?
Charlize Theron will pick up her first Oscar because she is hot underneath all the prosthetics. Keisha will lose for being too young, Diane will lose for being too old, Samantha will lose for looking too much like Princess Leia in her IMDB profile, and Naomi will lose for no good reason (and then start a publicly traded company named after herself so stock analysts can say "NAOMI WATTS UP" and chuckle).

The Nominees:
Shohreh Aghdashloo in House of Sand and Fog
Patricia Clarkson in Pieces of April
Marcia Gay Harden in Mystic River
Holly Hunter in Thirteen
Renée Zellweger in Cold Mountain

What will happen?
Many voters will choose Shohreh simply to hear her name butchered by a well-meaning presenter, especially since Marcia's name is far too easy to make into an off-colour joke. However, Renée Zellweger will squeak ahead by a nose and take home the Oscar.

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